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From Body Communication
→Existential Issues
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In later chapters, you will learn that by communicating with my body, I gave it the power to block off and effectively remove the behavior patterns and remembered feelings associated with depression and loneliness. The source of my depression, a decade ago, was starved bodily needs. I fixed that myself through using body communication to know what I need and care for myself, preventing that form of depression. I was doing something good for myself. I was actively working to better my life, and it worked. Those were my actions, though. I was still occasionally depressed after that, simply because I occasionally fell back into my depressive memories and behavior patterns. I had grown up feeling that way, so it was easy to be that way, even if there was no biological cause at the time. My body didn’t like that, so it took its own actions to get rid of the rest of my depression. My body blocked off my ability to remember feelings of depression or access depression-related thought patterns or behavior patterns. My body used an aversion to prevent memory and behavior pattern access. Those aversions last months, and by the time they are over, what was blocked off is, for all practical purposes, inaccessible. It’s effectively no longer there at all. | In later chapters, you will learn that by communicating with my body, I gave it the power to block off and effectively remove the behavior patterns and remembered feelings associated with depression and loneliness. The source of my depression, a decade ago, was starved bodily needs. I fixed that myself through using body communication to know what I need and care for myself, preventing that form of depression. I was doing something good for myself. I was actively working to better my life, and it worked. Those were my actions, though. I was still occasionally depressed after that, simply because I occasionally fell back into my depressive memories and behavior patterns. I had grown up feeling that way, so it was easy to be that way, even if there was no biological cause at the time. My body didn’t like that, so it took its own actions to get rid of the rest of my depression. My body blocked off my ability to remember feelings of depression or access depression-related thought patterns or behavior patterns. My body used an aversion to prevent memory and behavior pattern access. Those aversions last months, and by the time they are over, what was blocked off is, for all practical purposes, inaccessible. It’s effectively no longer there at all. | ||
That was my body choosing to remove part of what I felt defined me. I could no longer relate to | That was my body choosing to remove part of what I felt defined me. I could no longer relate to others that deal with depression because I couldn’t even remember what depression felt like. This was very good for my mental health. However, that didn’t matter to me nearly as much when it first happened. Feelings and memories were taken from me without my knowledge or consent. I had no agency, no awareness that it was about to happen, and no choice in the process. It was permanent. I went through feelings of loss and existential dread the day that this happened. It was not pleasant. I was mostly over the dread the next day, but it was still concerning. Years later, nothing has changed. That part of me is still gone. There was no choice, and there is no undo button. | ||
Another change that I experienced, and had no choice in, was to my sexuality. That isn’t supposed to be possible, but it happened. I was shocked by the change, but as I am not bigoted, I wasn’t against the change itself. I was, however, existentially shattered for a few weeks. I was rapidly changing in many ways. My body greatly reduced the amount of meat that I needed to eat, so I lost that, and I lost my sexuality. I knew how much I was changing, and I had no idea what change I would notice next. Most of the changes were internal though, so they didn’t directly affect my life. But what would be the next change to my personal identity? How was I supposed to relate to others if I could be a completely different person an hour after I share anything about myself? This still concerns me. | Another change that I experienced, and had no choice in, was to my sexuality. That isn’t supposed to be possible, but it happened. I was shocked by the change, but as I am not bigoted, I wasn’t against the change itself. I was, however, existentially shattered for a few weeks. I was rapidly changing in many ways. My body greatly reduced the amount of meat that I needed to eat, so I lost that, and I lost my sexuality. I knew how much I was changing, and I had no idea what change I would notice next. Most of the changes were internal though, so they didn’t directly affect my life. But what would be the next change to my personal identity? How was I supposed to relate to others if I could be a completely different person an hour after I share anything about myself? This still concerns me. | ||
